000 | I'm scared
Hi.
I think the last blog post I wrote was on Xanga in 2005. As is for most teenagers, I’m sure most of my “musings” were centered around high school problems - from being a weird and unpopular but artsy adolescent, to airing my crushes and wondering what it was about me that kept putting me in the friend zone. I’m glad my Hotmail address was hacked and unrecoverable. I shudder to think about how many cringey conversations are out there floating in the ether. Ick.
Here we meet again, though. This time in service of something much better and, with luck, valuable to others: documenting a journey. At least that’s the hope.
The past few years have put me in a deep state of reflection like many others. As time progresses, I find myself gravitating more and more to complete autonomy of my path in life. The idea that it’s just expected of us to trudge through 30+ years of spending less time with our family to make more money for someone else just isn’t what I want to look back on. If that’s something that doesn’t bother you, that’s awesome! I’m so envious. But personally for me, I’m just not sure I want to look back on my life that way. I want to at least say I tried to mitigate it.
Which leads me to here. Now.
My thinking as it stands right this moment is that I’d love for this blog, be it here or eventually some other platform, to become a pivotal and historical record where not only did I start sharing my learnings, (mostly) failures, and successes publicly; but also: a documentation of my winding path to something better. Ask me what that might be today and my answer will most likely be different in a few weeks. I’m too much of a renaissance soul, I guess. Except I would argue most renaissance souls probably actually produce some sort of finished product; I overthink things into oblivion (currently trying to figure out why this is).
One idea lately has been sharing the design knowledge I’ve accumulated so far in my career, be it via this blog, YouTube, or both. I hear this feedback often from my teammates at Microsoft but that’s the moment imposter syndrome rears its ugly head. The wall I constantly hit with this idea is: what am I really saying that hasn’t been already said? Do I really want to feel like another cliché “thought leader” on Twitter? Not really, but maybe there’s some sweet spot in the middle. Maybe this will age like milk. I don’t know.
All that to say that at this very moment the idea that intrigues me the most is learning programming and building a product of my own. Building a product that genuinely solves a problem and is pure-hearted.
Design and art have more or less been my identity for as long as I can remember but there’s also always been someone I’ve continuously suppressed: the tinkerer in me. It’s basically a daily occurrence at this point where I spot things that frustrate me or could be better, but I can’t fix them because I don’t know how to program. I really want to change that.
It’s an emotionally vulnerable place to be when you spend your entire life and 13-some-odd years of your professional design career wrapped up in this notion of “this is who I am”, all for it to feel like it’s starting to crack at the foundation. I will say it:
I'm scared.
Scared of failure; especially publicly. Scared of picking the wrong direction. Scared I won’t stay consistent with this very blog. Even scared to be telling you all of this right now. I’m not a sharer. I don’t put myself out there for these very reasons. But I think more people should be transparent about these feelings, which is why I’m choosing to do it here publicly. If I am completely open, I think there’s less chance for me to get embarrassed because I already put it all out there.
And I can’t help thinking that maybe sharing this journey might be useful in the future for someone who is in my very position now. I can’t even guarantee building a product is where I’ll end up but at least it’s a step in some direction. I know for me seeing someone’s entire journey from the very inception would have been enough for me to say: “Okay wow. They definitely struggled and the path wasn’t linear at all, but they did it. I think I can do this too.” I’m also hopeful others more knowledgeable than myself (can’t be hard when you have zero coding experience lol) might see something I’m struggling with and have a solution to share.
And yes, in the spirit of being pure-hearted and transparent, if I launch something I do hope it reaches a financial turning point where I can hand over the reins to someone I trust. Someone that would take care if it and its users with the same love it was built with so that I can spend more time with my family and traveling than if I had stayed in the typical nine-to-five. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with selling something to achieve that and whoever tells you they don’t want their own freedom is lying to you. It just shouldn’t all be about the money. It should be about people. About leaving the world in a better place than you found it. About not being a shady asshole saying you care about your users when your actions speak differently.
If you made it this far, thanks for listening. I realize it might have been a bit ramble-y. The way I see this going forward is maybe on a loose weekly or bi-weekly basis where I just update you with what I’ve learned and/or have been thinking about lately in terms of my path. Sort of like a mix between a teaching blog and one that’s more docu-style. Idk. I’m sure it’ll evolve as I go.
For now, I at least can check “take the first step” off of my list.
Take care,
T